http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

“I just did an hour on the gym machine. I’m sweaty and I have to shit. Where’s my fannypack, this workout is over.”

“The dog don’t like you planting stuff there. It’s his backyard. If you’re the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that.”

“The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”

“Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think.”